negative_nellie

07:21 pm: Pft.
So I guess that I really should start writing on this more.

Other than learning nine crimes for piano today, I did utterly nothing. :D

03:17 pm: SURVEY!!
My name:

Who is the love of my life:

Where did we meet:

Take a stab at my middle name:

How long have you known me:

When is the last time that we saw each other:

Do I smoke:

Do I drink:

When is my birthday:

What was your first impression of upon meeting me:

Do I have any siblings:

What's one of my favorite things to do:

Am I funny:

What's my favorite type of music:

What is the best feature about me:

Am I shy or outgoing:

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:

Do I have any special talents:

Would you consider me a friend:

What is a memory we have once had:

Have you ever hugged me:

What is my favorite food:

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:

What is my worst habit:

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing do you think
I would bring:

10:12 pm: yea..
I hate birthdays.


Fuck birthdays.

Fuck niceness.

Fuck every fucking thing.

09:51 pm: an old poem..and random thoughts of a sinful girl.
The last poem I wrote before I lost my inspiration I guess you would say. *shrugs* I don't know.

Shiny objects,
Glittery things,
Sex and drugs,
And fairy wings,

Things I love,
Things I hate,
My obsession realized,
Much too late.

Smoking candles,
Scented baths,
Shattered mirrors,
Shards of glass,

My obssesion,
My worst fear,
My minds my enemy,
Drawing near,

An empty closet,
Full of ghosts,
Freakish obsessions,
I hate the most.

Tinkerbelle,
And too tight pants,
Black nail polish,
The "happy dance"

A wierd obsession,
Of my own,
An empty mind,
To call a home.

Obsessions kiss me,
When I sleep,
Inside my conciousness,
Much too deep.

So if I die,
Before I wake,
I pray to you,
My obsessions you take.


Not the best, but oh well. It will have to do. At least I could clear my mind.



Man..

Today is pretty much..I don't know. Not as good as it could be. I think I'm in a whole mood of apathy. I'm apathetic to everything. I'm apathetic towards life, towards people, towards you (whomever is reading this), towards me...I don't know. Towards God even, if I thought there was one.

For instance, I was thinking today, and I don't really understand this stuff. I don't understand how life can be so crappy and how people can be so...blah. I mean I won't say evil, because I mean I'm not the best person, but I'm not evil, and I'm not the worste person ever, so I'll stick with blah.

I think people are blah.

I mean..all this killing..and war..and hate..and all sorts of stuff. And the think that makes it the worst is I'm just as bad as what I'm hating. So really I have no room to speak.

God.

I wish I could just pretend that things were ok again and that I wasn't confused and stuff, but that is hard to do, considering it is on my mind all the time.

Man.

05:25 pm: another thing...
my birthday..is next wednesday, and my dad (who disowned me two years ago) won't even send me a card or anything. We ALL left him (me, michael, and emma) and yet..I'm the only one he despises. He sends them cards..and stuff. And yet he hates me and acts as if I don't exist.

I hate him. I think...people..are stupid.

04:45 pm: Wow..
Well the past few days have been crazy.

I'm pretty upset about a lot of stuff, and yea...nothing is really helping either.

I guess I am just too pessimistic. I don't really know.

I got into this weird..spat thing with Kimya Dawson, and that was pretty weird. Because instead of everyone getting mad at me, I got like..forty emails from people telling me that they loved me...I was like..."Umm...you don't know me. I'm evil..you don't love me" =(

Yea..it was pretty weird, but it made me think. I mean...it made me wonder how people can sit there and love each other regardless of whats going on.

I mean..I have a history...of doing bad stuff. Juvey..attempted suicide, I grew up abused and a whole lot of stuff I dont like to talk about, and I really can't let any of it go, but all these people have and they have accepted each other and they love each other and its weird. I mean....I don't get it.

Anyway....I'm pretty anxious to Juan to come home from Iraq....I really really am. I hate war. I mean..I know its neccesary and whatnot, but I really wish that the people that I love, had to go..had to leave and go risk the most valuable thing they have; their life.

I think life is just...aggravating.